if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
