I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
its not stalking. its research.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Randomize
