i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
