Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
