the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Randomize
