I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
