Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
