Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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