So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
