I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
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