the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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