Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
