Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
