I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
