she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
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