She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
