ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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