turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
