I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
