fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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