I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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