hi i'm bored and kind of... in a sort of dirty mood
pics
no i'm at a mixer dressed up as the teenage mutant ninja turtles
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Randomize
