The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
