My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
