i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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