I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
