Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
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