____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
