I wish my penis had an off switch
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
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