i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
