I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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