he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize
