is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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