I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
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