So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
