textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Randomize
