Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Randomize
