so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
