If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Randomize
