today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
this is an emotional support booty call
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Randomize
