I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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