Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
