I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
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