i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
I am midnight drunk by noon
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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