I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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