she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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