You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
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