When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
