You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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