I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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