They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Randomize
